Here's my HTML Journal!
2023-12-20 - Musings on the Website
This year has been a huge success for the site, and a huge failure.
I didn't really get as much done as I wanted. I think that I am just inherently a lazy person, and even something that I want to find fun (such as this website) just becomes a chore like everything else. I haven't really been doing all that well in real life, and I haven't been doing well online.
I want 2024 to be far better for the website. I have a lot of plans and ideas -- I just need to, you know, want to execute them. I dunno. It's complicated because, like, I want to want to update this place, but I don't want to. You know???
That's generally how I feel towards everything as of late, though. I haven't really been playing many video games, or writing, or drawing, or doing basically anything. And it sucks! I want to want to do everything! But I don't, and I hate it, and I want to fix my brain.
My previous journal entry really kinda puts part of my current feelings into words, but I feel as though there's a bit more to it, you know? You know. Yeah.
Hmm. Maybe after Christmas, I can completely update the to-do list and start to sketch out some plans I have to redesign the website. Maybe that could be fun and revive my interest? I really really hope that it does; the corporate web is awful and I desperatly want to escape to the indie web again.
I just need to want to want to.
I feel as though the biggest reason why I've yet to make any significant progress in my life is because I feel comfort within more of the same. I am enabled to persist in this life -- I can pretty much live here indefinitely.
I do not see the point in Trying. There will always be another attempt indefinitely.
I want to move out, but that's scary and different. I've never worked a job. I've never held somebody's hand, or kissed anyone, I don't have any friends in real life, and I turn down any opportunities to do so because I'm scared of leaving the comfort of home. I'm anxious, extremely so. I'm enabled to continue to do absolutely jack shit about my life, about my future. I have no motivation. I have absolutely none.
Just internal self hatred because I'm not doing anything.
Then, I start hating myself more.
Then, I hide underneath the blankets in my room.
Where it's safe, and the monsters of real life can't get me.
Everyone else is changing.
I want to, but I don't want to, but I want to want to and it's physically painful and it makes me fucking hate myself beyond belief.
I hate my life, but I don't want to die. I want to be alive and safe and I want to move out and I want to get a job and I want to get a boyfriend or some shit and I want to be a good member of society but that all involves effort that I'm too scared and anxious to put in.
"It'll be okay," I tell myself, knowing full well that is only true as long as I am enabled to continue living this life.
And even then, I don't think that this is truly okay.
I would hesitate to call this living.
2023-03-26 - The Trip to Boston
Long time, no see. Sorry for the total lack of updates lately! I do kinda want to talk about the website first, since I feel like I have a few things relating to it that I want to talk about.
So, first off -- The website is currently undergoing some big update. I was going to have it be put on hiatus until then, but I'm a huge procrastinator, so I'm just kinda rolling out updates as I make them. This does mean that several pages are completely out of date, or they're a bit broken, or whatever else, but I'm hopeful that I can have everything updated in the near future. ^_^
Hmm... Other online ventures are basically regulated to just the Metal Gear Database, the independent Metal Gear wiki that I founded. An admin from the Independent Fallout Wiki has been such a huge help with this, and I owe her my life. Most recently, she forked the entire Metal Gear Fandom wiki over! This will definitely be very helpful to me, and I seriously can't wait to continue editing and revamp every single page. Sadly, I can't right now, because.... I'm on a trip!
As of typing this, I'm actually suffering in a five hour layover in New Jersey, but I went on a trip to Boston for PAX East 2023. My mom was the one who got the tickets and did some planning, though I'm totally going by myself next year. I do feel like I'm a bit behind when it comes to "adult stuff", and my inability to drive and my having very few independent experiences kinda solidify that. But I digress! Let's talk about the trip, shall we?
So... Thursday. My mom got tickets for Friday and Sunday (When I go next year, I totally want to go for all four days...!), so we were good to go on Thursday. Because my dad is going through chemotherapy, he couldn't really take us to the airport in the early morning. Fatigue is a total bitch. My mom scheduled a Lyft to take us there, and we were off at 5 am!
... Then, we were back once my mom realized that she lost her driver's license when we were already halfway to the airport. She apologized profusely to the driver, then spent about 45 minutes trying to find her license when we were home. All of that time lost meant that we made it to the airplane just by final boarding... >_>
... But enough of that. This is about my trip to PAX, not complaining about random events. I could talk about the admittedly very nice hotel, or other various experiences, but.... PAX............
Now, I had my Big Boss ita bag, which I put quite a bit of time into. I'm totally gonna post the pictures of both it and my Kirby ita bag (Which I also brought, of course!) as soon as I can! I really need to figure out a way to properly organize this journal page, and inserting images just causes more clutter for now. Suffice it to say that it looks damn good. I had on my beautiful beanie, which had various pins decorating it that made it look even cuter, I had my heart shaped glasses, which made everything look just a little bit pinker and made me adorable, and I had a lanyard with Metal Gear Solid 2 characters! Truly, I was ready to roll.
And roll I did. There's a sign when you walk in saying "Welcome home", and I have always felt that was apt, especially now that I know the Boston convention center rather well. It is a home to me. The people there share my interests, I can talk to them about whatever, it's a joy that I can't get anywhere else and I was ecstatic!
The convention itself... Holy shit. The cosplays were beautiful. The panels were fun. I was so unbelivably happy. I don't want to share the photos I took of the cosplayers, since I feel like that may be a minor breach of privacy, but I saw a Rose Quartz, Bowser, Big Boss (Who I paused right when he was about to go up the escalator -- He laughed in glee when he saw my ita bag, and did the "You're pretty good!" hand gesture when I took the picture!! ^_^), and a few lovely ladies in lolita dresses. One of them even had a Goro Majima ita bag! :O That was such a surprise to see!!
But, of course, conventions are more than just walking around and seeing cool cosplays. There are also the panels, and those were very exciting as always! The first panel I went to was about cosplaying when you're neurodivergent, especially ADHD. I've always been a bit nervous about cosplay for numerous reasons, and seeing people talk about it and how being neurodivergent has impacted their ability to cosplay, kind of madae me feel a bit more confident in it. I have both ADHD and OCD, and while I don't think those would impact my ability to cosplay too much, there are still nuances relating to both that I think that I should keep in mind if I ever want to get fully involved in the hobby.
Pretty shortly after that was another panel in the same room about the Nintendo Gamecube. Appropriately enough, it was called something like The Nintendo GameCube Was the Greatest Console Ever Made. There was no arguing over why it was the greatest console, it was simply an accepted fact that it was. The first thirty minutes were dedicated to talking about the GameCube, the panelists' memories of the GameCube, their favorite games, etc. etc. The last thirty minutes were spent building the perfect collection of GameCube games, with the limit being fifteen. There were ten games to start out with, and audience members had to convince three out of five panelists to add a game of their choosing. If there were already fifteen games, the audience member also had to argue for removing a game from the lineup! I remember that someone went up and shook the hand of someone who argued for the removal of Sonic Adventure 2 Battle. XD
I did go to one other panel at the end of the con, though I sadly didn't see it to its completion. While it was about speedrunning, a very interesting topic to me, I just... I had been there since 9:00 AM. I have pretty severe anxiety, and while Zoloft is a godsend for that, I just... Couldn't keep being around people. I could feel the signs of an oncoming panic attack, and had to exit the panel thirty minutes early.
That was... Honestly the only negative about the convention. I didn't even talk about the expo hall yet! I withdrew sixty bucks, anticipating a lot of money spending, but for a while, nothing really caught my eye. Until, of course, I stumbled across a booth selling some tech stuff. Controllers were the main draw, but those keyboards... They were beautiful... I got a full sized keyboard for $30, and it's pink, and it's fantastic to type on, and I love it so much, and I'm absolutely stoked about it! I also got an Ace Attorney desk mat and Metal Gear Solid 2 pin from Fangamer, and that was really about it in terms of expo hall purchases. I did find myself in possession of a cute Kirby sticker and a Pokémon card, though. I saw someone with an adorable Kirby ita bag, and I had to stop her and tell her how cute it was! I showed her mine, and she said that it was adorable, then she asked if I wanted a Pokémon card and Kirby sticker, and of course I said yes!! Her bag also had a Vineshroom pin, and we talked about Vinny for a bit, which was a joy.
... On the topic of Vinny...
Vinesauce has been... One of the most influential things that I have ever watched. I've been watching Vinny especially since middle school, and I'm in college now. That should tell you how important he is to me. He's seriously been an absolute lifesaver in so many ways, and when I heard that he was doing signings and photo ops, I was just... I wish I could say that I was overwhelmed with joy, but I was mostly just incredibly anxious. I made my way to the booth where he was doing the signings, I waited in line for like an hour, the moment finally came and I got a Red Vox flexi disc of their newest album, I was hyperventilating and told Vinny that I had serious anxiety, and he said "It's okay, it's me. Hello, nice to meet you."
My eyes were stinging, I was so happy about this. They were giving out free stress balls shaped like brains (They said "Brainyot" on them, which is always appreciated. XD), and I was given one, and I got to talk about Red Vox with him, and we talked about music and his music for a while and that was amazing, and I got to shake his hand because I asked and I told him that I owed him my life and all he said was "No, you don't," and I said that I really did and he turned to me and said "You know what I say? If it weren't for me, you would have found somebody else. But thank you, and I'm glad you're still here."
I honestly don't really remember much of what happened after that moment, it was all kind of a breeze. I'm just so happy that Vinny is as kind as I thought he would be. Like, right after I told him about how anxious I was, he said that he was pretty anxious as well, but that it got easier as you got older. That shit seriously means a lot to me. I know that it's probably a bit silly, and I'm definitely trying to move away from parasocial relationships with Twitch streamers, but that moment was one that I will never forget.
(By the way, he signed my iPod.)
Honestly, the rest of the convention was mostly just sitting around, maybe going to the AFK room (A quiet room with coloring books where you aren't allowed to speak; very useful if you just want quiet.), and generally existing. It was still just... Such a great time.
The next day was not. My mom rented a car, we drove to Rhode Island to that we could say we've been to Rhode Island, we drove to Connecticut, my mom hung out with her coworker friend, I was on my period and overemotional and started crying numerous times... It was seriously a mess. The fact that my mom messed up with scheduling flights and the Sunday flight would leave at 12:00 PM instead of basically any later time just rubbed salt in the wound.
I didn't even go to the convention today. Friday had overwhelmed me with sound, the panels I was interested in started in the afternoon, I didn't feel comfortable going to the very interesting looking event where you learned how to play Dungeons and Dragons if I was just going to leave early, and... I just wanted to get out of there.
One flight later, and... Here we are. In the Newark airport, waiting for a flight that leaves at 7:55. I can't wait to go home, but honestly? Even if the weekend wasn't the best, Friday more than made up for it. This was a really fun trip, and I for one cannot wait for next year.
2023-01-25 - The Great Ritalin Shortage of 2023
First off, I'm thinking of adding subtitles to my journal entries, just to give you all an idea of what to expect. I think that this idea will really take off.
Secondly... Well. Yesterday, I went to the doctor to get my Ritalin refilled. I even asked for an increase in dosage, since I don't feel like my current dosage is helping enough. He refilled it, of course, and I went over to the pharmacy to get that picked up.
Yeah, apparently Ritalin is on backorder. For a long time, at that!
I've had... Some troubles relating to medication in general, lately. I had to postpone my psychiatrist appointment by a week because it interfered with school, and that appointment was to refill my Zoloft. I... Didn't know that there would be any repercussions to not getting a refill right away, and I kinda sorta spent an entire week quitting cold turkey. That week was filled with dizziness, headaches the likes of which you could never imagine, tiredness, and other fun things.
I'm back on Zoloft now, but man... Now, the other medication that I require to function like a normal human being is on backorder, and who knows when I'll be able to get back on it again??? This doesn't have withdrawal symptoms, so I'm lucky in that regard, but I still want to be able to focus on stuff! I've heard that caffeine can be a good self-medicating tool, as can exercise. I'll definitely try both just so that I can function. I want to be able to do things. I never asked to have ADHD. It's a curse, I tell you...!
I believe that there may be... Quite a bit to be talked about today! There's a lot of stuff that's on my plate now, and I've been meaning to try to put it all into words.
So! First off! I have a bit of a new project! While I don't really talk about it much here (I really need to actually make the shrines about my interets someday...), I'm a pretty big fan of Metal Gear Solid. Unfortunately, the best wiki for it is hosted on Fandom, which is a horrible website for too many reasons to list. I'm currently in the process of making an independent Metal Gear Wiki, though getting a community is proving to be pretty difficult. I don't really use Twitter, so I've been using Tumblr and Cohost as my main methods of trying to reach people. I also found an independent gaming wiki network, and some people there are interested in helping! Honestly, I'm just kind of worried that this will be a really big undertaking, and I'll get overwhelmed and just abandon it. Abandoning projects does seem to be a recurring habit of mine, and I really want to break it.
Pretty horrifying stuff already, I know. It's not as bad as it could be -- I have mentioned that my dad has cancer before, but he's recovering pretty well! He's more fatigued and has to go to the hospital sometimes, but that's to be expected. I'm certainly a lot less worried than I was when I first heard the news! Even though my dad is doing well, that doesn't mean that my real life is necessarily as good as I would like it to be. I started school recently, and while my course load is pretty light, I'm still very worried that I might fail some classes. I also have to actually start learning to drive (I'm in my 20s! I swear! I'm just not good at being an adult!), try to get a job at some point, actually get out of bed before noon... My sleep schedule is screwed up beyond belief, keeping rooms clean is way harder than it needs to be, and I just feel... Overwhelmed? I guess? I don't know?
I'm very hopeful that things will pick up soon. I want to have a good year. I want to be good at things, I want to focus on stuff, I want all of that. It's just hard to give myself the push without external motivation, which isn't necessarily good by itself.
Let's hope that my next entry is more uplifting (and that I update the actual website beyond journals, as well!) :P
2023-01-02 (Content Warning for cult mention.)
At the time of writing, it is 2:38PM. I do not plan to edit this before I publish this, so any errors are due to sleep deprivation.
I’ve talked about anxiety here in the past, I believe. Sometimes, the demons of anxiety come back at the worst possible moments, and lately, they’ve tortured me about Neocities. I saw something very distressing -- I don’t want to get too into it, but it was a shrine dedicated to an actual tragedy. I looked on this person’s website for a bit, and that rabbit hole led me somewhere even worse -- An actual cult. This kid was claiming himself to be part of some... thing called “Diceorg”, whatever that means. I looked into it a bit, and it’s run by a 16 year old(!!!) who wants people to worship her and give her money and stuff?? The website has coded messages that propose cutting yourself or sacrificing animals to be a verified member of the Discord server (though drawing this person or giving her money would also suffice, apparently), and that was just scary. I don't know if the site is hosted on Neocities, but the old/personal web aesthetic they had going on certainly worried me either way.
I joined the server out of curiosity. I couldn’t see many channels, since I wasn’t “verified” or whatever, but I could see a channel where you could react with a number corresponding to your age. “1” for under 12, “2” for 13, “3” for 14, and so on and so forth. To no one’s surprise, most members were 15 years old or younger.
This fired up the anxiety.
I worry for these kids, I worry for minors on the Internet in general. Sometimes, I see some of these kids bring their social media culture to their personal websites (DNI lists, absolutely insane discourse, etc etc) and it’s scary. Part of the reason why I left social media in the first place was because I despised that culture with a burning passion, and wanted to leave! Is this really my escape, my personal corner of the Internet, if I can’t escape the culture of eternal drama? Perpetual discourse and refusing to get help for mental illness and harassment and callouts and everything else and I’m scared that I’ll get wrapped up in it and I don’t want to get caught up in any sort of discourse or drama…
Maybe that’s just my anxiety talking.
I just hope that we bring back Internet safety classes, that we encourage people to live lives outside of the Internet, and that people stop trying to bring a downright hostile culture to the personal web. I don’t want that to happen.
... Maybe I need to get outside more. College starts back up in a week, after all. I can’t just go down rabbit holes that make me more anxious, and scared for the well-being of others. I can’t do anything to help them, no matter how much I want to. I don’t know. I don’t think I’m making much sense...
I kept meaning to make this entry on Christmas, but I unfortunately kept putting it off... >_> I've been needing to clean a bit, I've been trying (and failing...) to do other things in real life... But hey! I'm writing this now, so I can finally tell you guys what Christmas was like!
I still live with my parents, and since most of our family lives in the west coast, holidays tend to just be the three of us. I've no issue with this -- Social anxiety plagues my life, after all. :P This does come with the consequence that there's... Not many interesting things to write about, other than the gifts (Which is the primary thing I wanted to write about, anyway.).
I have received a new camera! An Instax Mini 11, to be exact. I'm very excited to use this thing, though I dunno what I should take pictures of, lol. This is such a huge step up from my old Instax Mini, and I'm extremely happy to own it. I was also gifted a stripped down phone that can't connect to the Internet, which should hopefully be less distracting than my actual smartphone. I want to be able to focus at college when that starts up again, and I think that this should be a good first step? I hope? Maybe? We'll see????
The only other gifts of note are from my dad (A 52 week planner, which I doubt will receive much use, but is very cool nonetheless), my mom (A hot cocoa bomb set, which I'm very excited to use!), and one of my sisters, who sent me a 100 dollar gift card to a stationery store. I'll be sure to post what I've gotten either here or on Dreamwidth when they've arrived!
I... Have a lot of problems with motivation, I think! I don't really have much to say in this journal, but in lieu of that... I believe I shall make a list of things that I wish to write. Writing is fun, and it's easier for me than drawing, and I have more than a few plans, so...
- Write my part for the January 2022 issue of the Yesterweb Zine! I already have a basic idea, I just need to start writing it.
- Actually making the shrines that I want to make has proven to be a little bit difficult. I'm always unsure what I should add, and trying to make sure that it doesn't sound too much like a Wikipedia page, I guess??? It's a mentality that I seriously need to break out of, honestly...
- I also kind of want to write some sort of Internet manifesto! I do want it to be a bit more positive and whatnot, though I'm struggling trying to start it lol.
- Oh! Right! Fiction! Fanfiction, original fiction, I have so many goddamn WIPs... I know that I have about... Five? Five fanfic WIPs?? I'm fairly sure that I only have a couple original fiction WIPs, though.
- And then there's RP stuff on Discord. If I recall correctly, there's only about three things I have to do there. It's definitely something where anxiety makes it much harder for me than it actually is. Like, what if it's bad? A friend has told me to just... Send it without worrying too much, but my brain sometimes prevents me from doing so. I need to annihilate that part of my brain!!!
Today was definitely better than the other day! Being regular with Zoloft is definitely really helping my mood, lol. Antidepressants for the win!! :D I don't really have much to talk about, but some pretty cool stuff happened lately! :P
My Spirit Phone cassette arrived! ^_^ I've had a cassette player for pretty much as long as I can remember, so I'm really happy about this. The bad news is that my cassette player's batteries are dead, and I kiiind of stripped the screw for the battery compartment. My dad has offered to help, so I'm excited to get that fixed and listen to Neil banging out those tunes!
Today was... Certainly a day. As it turns out, one of my friends is a total asshole. Worse than that, actually. It's... Sickening. It's horrifying knowing that people can seem really kind and pleasant when you're talking to them, but turn out to be awful people behind your backs. I'm glad that the others in the friend group took swift action and are compiling evidence for their actions, but I can't help but be completely disgusted and angry over this entire thing. I don't really want to get into what they've done (It's not my place to talk about it, either way), but this entire situation is really messy and gross.
Honestly, this entire past week hasn't been great. I've been staying up for hours on end each night, due to paranoia. My paranoia gets worse if I don't sleep, so I'm trapped in a bit of a loop. I haven't been getting basically anything done that I want to do, and everything seems difficult right now. Seasonal affective depression is the worst! I really want to be able to do things again, I want my friends to be happier, I want my OCD to shut up...
I just hope that tomorrow is better.
Procrastination is still kicking my ass and it sucks... T_T I want to be able to do things, but my brain seems to not allow me to. The funny things on the computer screen are far more enticing than cleaning what needs to be cleaned... I did manage to do one thing, though! I'm going to meet an academic advisor this Monday! My entire thing with school has been pretty all over the place, and I really do want to get things sorted out. ^^; That mostly just leaves the stuff I have to do at home... That's gonna be difficult. My brain simply refuses to cooperate. I've also basically given up on NaNoWriMo? I'm still interested in the story concept, and I may try to write it at a later date, but I don't think that I'm gonna get it done by the end of this month. Procrastination (and anxiety, and ADHD...) is one bitch ass motherfucker lol.
I need to break my screen addiction. I'm back to doing completely useless things as I just stare at a screen. I've even neglected doing any work for the site, in favor of just. Staring. I want to fix this. I really want to fix this. I've been getting really awful sleep lately, and don't think that I can stay up much longer (despite it only being 9:40). I think that I'll try to sleep... And inevitably stay on my phone until 1AM.
Life still isn't going great, but I do have Ritalin now! ^_^ My antidepressants are also working really well, so that's always nice! :D I'm very excited for Halloween! I'm probably not going to be doing much, but I'm very excited, nonetheless.
Life has not been going great for me, lately. My dad has cancer, and starts chemotherapy tomorrow. He keeps telling me not to worry, that it will be fine, but I can't help but be incredibly scared and anxious. While I have started a new antidepressant (that seems to be working rather well!), I haven't really been able to do anything that I want to do... Luckily, I have my doctor's appointment for a Ritalin refill tomorrow. Hopefully, that'll allow me to do stuff again... I rather miss doing stuff.
So as it turns out, this is a valid HTML journal lol. So that's pretty rad. I do plan to use this more often, in hopes that I can get my thoughts across. Things aren't really going well for me right now, and I do hope that my future journals aren't overly cynical or pessimistic. I'd hate to be a downer!
I'm trying out an HTML journal. The formatting is pretty different, so I doubt I can validate it. But still, it's here if I ever need it!